Here's a Thing I Wrote for a Newspaper. It Might Probably Won't End Up in There

Spring Time: Sincere Joy is the New Irony

Look around you, fellow peoples! The Earth is tilted once more in our favor to be closer to the true prime mover--the bringer of smiles and sweeper of pale gloom. Warm delights dance in the air like a hundred flaming rainbow pinatas dropped from a blimp onto a levitating landscape of confectionery frosting. Your pores scream with glee!

Yes! It is the time of affirmation and deep inhalation because from ancient times it has been known that breath is the source of life. So live deeply! Expand your soul and lungs and feel your core twinge with the green pulse that feeds the days we can dive and leap and slide through. Your teeth bite into the soft flesh of a citrus fruit and as the juices run down your chin you exclaim to the people outside, “These bones will burn bright once more! My skin is a net and the beams are a school of shimmering tuna!”
Take your hammers and your nails and your building materials and build a shrine you can crawl inside with the roof exposed and whittle the words that flutter from the clouds and bring warm rains, engorging the Earth and raising up the sweet crops that can be processed into delicious breakfast cereals and gummy snacks.

Don’t hide from your joy, tiny antelopes! Tear it open and smash its husk onto the tops of your heads and step with verve and pizzazz, crowned with your helmet of sentimental affections.