one thing I think about twelve things

 in this game I'm going to name twelve things and then tell you the one thing I think about all twelve of those things at once

-oranges

-lactose intolerance

-malfeasance

-nations run by doctors

-the whole ocean

-bobcats

-philogyny

-maitre d'

-suspended disbelief

-balloons

-church

-pokemon

And the one thing that I think about all of these things is:

'you can't tell em twice what you already told em thrice'

Well, I hope you had fun here today. I know I did. Remember to check back in again to hear the story of how I had a friend who had a cousin who didn't catch their tongue animal in the womb before they were born and then it ran around the hospital and they tried to catch it but they never found it so now the hospital is haunted by the tongue and it sneaks into people's mouths when they are asleep and when they woke up they say all sorts of stuff they would never normally say like, "I wish I owned a great big plantation." And in their mind they don't want that but the tongue is making them say it.

today I'm gonna explain what I think blood is and where it comes from

 Look kids, I'm an amateur scientist. Just like all the great innovators of history I'm just a guy with some crazy ideas and a lot of confidence. And I'm not gonna tell you that I have all the answers at any given moment. But, there's no telling which answer I don't have. 

Anyway let's get into it. So if you're dehydrated your blood volume goes down. I'm pretty sure I heard that once. Don't drink water, you have less blood. This would imply that blood is water. Now, here's something else that's even more gonna make you go crazy, I heard tell somewheres else that sweat is filtered blood. And sweat is salty water. So it's like we got water coming in and water going out and at some point it's blood and then it's not. And then only draculas can drink blood and we regular nathans aren't allowed. 

If you're anything like me all these different contradictory facts are tying your noggin up in knots and making you ferociously angry. But don't worry. I have the answers that will make everything make sense.

bones?

I think it's bones. I think the water gets to the bones and makes em wet. And then you got little guys working in the bones factory and they say, "hey boss says we gotta make this water into blood by 5!" And they get to it man. I think bones have the technology.

Call it a gunch but I think the blood is coming out of the bones. That's why you need milk. Gunch is gut hunch by the way. Milk makes the bones strong so they can pump out more blood. 

Maybe you're saying to yourself, Andy if that's true then why do skeletons in media not leak blood wherever they go. To which I'd say, in the real world the sun doesn't actually wear sunglasses. Maybe all the artists of the world are too afraid of how cool and accurate that would look if animated skeletons were oozing blood. I think that would look great and would help teach the kids. 

Anyway thank you for learning with me and stay tuned for next time when I'll explain how your tongue is actually a little animal that you catch in your mouth while you're in the womb and one time I knew this kid who had a cousin who didn't catch their tongue in time and then they were born and the tongue escaped and was running around the hospital. And that kid's name was Eh-Oh.

she was a captain and the sea made her blood boil

 Her ship was rusty. It was an iron ship with wooden nails holding planks of iron together. They all laughed and sneered and said, "by the great Poseidon, that vessel'll never float or our names aren't collectively Bob Seager." She boarded her boat for the first time to shove off and with her back turned to the jeering crowd she said in a low voice, "all your words are stupid and bad."

To the amazement of all who were present, her ship did float. It floated too well, in fact. A craft whose construction defied all sense floated so well that it hovered several inches above the water, not touching it at all. "Curse this wretched sea," she sneered. And to be a walking, sailing oddity and to tire of oddities and to wonder when the oddities will cease is to sail the great blue ocean and hope to find the spot where it dries up.

Water water everywhere, come again another day. If you don't, I don't care. I'll pull down your underwear.

 He sat down at his chair. His chair at his desk. His desk at its place in the study. The study in the upstairs of the house. The house on the plot of land. The plot of land on the street. The street in the town. The town in the county. The county on the desk. The desk in repose. The pose on the model. The model on the stage. The stage at the convention. The convention in the arena. The arena in the parking lot. The parking lot placed perilously atop a precipitous perch. The perch above the ocean. The ocean in the bucket. The bucket in the shed. The shed in the alley. The alley incomplete. The pleated pants in the closet. The closet in a blade of grass. The blade of grass for the bug. The bug in the rug. The rug on the floor. The floor of the house that Jack built. The house on the hill. The hill in the sky. The sky belonging entirely to itself. The self in the mind. The mind in the body. The body in the circus. The circus in the circus. The circus in the heart. The heart in the man. The man in the mirror. The mirror in the vestibule. The vestibule in the trailer. The trailer in the ditch. The ditch in the gully. The gully in the valley. The valley in the bog. The bog in the state park. The state park in Alaska. Alaska in the night. The night in aurora borealis.

Aurora Borealis.

At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?

yes 

 It was a sunny afternoon. Far too sunny and far too afternoon. Every moment kept bleeding into the next and it was impossible to stand still and find a single reference point a single reference point a single reference point and be located in space and time like a crow like crows on the roofs of buildings watching and ca-cawing and cataloging the goings-ons of the down belows

below

below

below

below

Matthew Values is circling and encircling an agreed upon area to find its weight and worth in his steps is a silent appraisal that estimates the breadth and depth of terms. Movement is tracking the movement the tracking is movement. Circle and a square. Bridge the divide. The gap between what it is and what it is not. An irrational infinity apart.

He felt a sort of only coffee way that an empty pit in his stomach couldn't ------- but it --------- and even then he knew what he didn't. It would have to be decided and added up in the end. Sum totaled. The sun totaled. The sun toad was under the road. The son told the sun toad under the road that some mode would erode the old. It was like trying to hold water in a bucket but the bucket was spaghetti and the water was spaghetti and it was like holding spaghetti that was very very very difficult to hold.

in an ancient land

 In an ancient land, long ago, far away, but maybe also--right here, when men barked like dogs because dogs hadn't been invented yet to do man's barking for him. There was a great commotion all about the large house that everyone lived in together. Everyone was barking like mad. For on this day a baby had been born who would hold the key to everything. The key to mankind's destiny. The one who would give shape to the stars and plot and chart the circumference of nearly everything. The birth heard round the house.

This baby was an incredible powerful and strong child. If the people had possessed speech they would've first dubbed him 'The Strangler'. An ignominious epithet to be sure but one that could not be more fitting. The baby loved to crush anything crushable in his magnificent grip. Eventually though, the grasping would give way to seizing. Because this wee lad was on his way to seizing more than had ever been soze. 

What other ominous signs were present on the day of his birth? Well, the moon was full. But it was cloudy so you couldn't really tell. And the owls screeched, 'Holy mother of maple leafs! This next one coming up is a real doozy of a whelp.' But the people of the land could not heed the owls cries. For the owls had decided it was much too fun messing with them. And that if they ever got hold of speech, they would use it for nought but ill. And it would not satisfy the humans to merely speak of catching small rodents and vomiting pellets. No, the humans would surely invent awful institutions that made living nearly intolerable and would completely lose the plot. Better for their own sake to leave them to barks and growls and the sweet sonic stylings of the didgeridoo.

But deep within the consciousness of the newly born babe, there was a seed that already knew of the talk of the owls. And it knew of the other tricks and and secrets of the animals. And the seed said, "It will all be mine. I just gotta have it. Gimme me gimme me gimme me you rats one and all."

------------------------------------------------------------------------   

That was a scrap of something. I want to create more stuff this year.

did you know that 'wrought' is the old past tense of 'work'? like instead of saying 'worked' you'd say wrought.

From sun up to sun down I have wrought this day and now I take my slumber.

 you ever think if you remembered everything that you forgot to say that it would make a difference?

one time I carved a mushroom out of a piece of cedar wood and right now in the evening 6:20 PM light it looks red in a particular way I've never seen before

and that's a true story

I feel lucky to be me

why do olives make oil but every other fruit makes juice?

dream learning

 last night I did that thing where a Youtube video was playing that I fell asleep too and I was fully asleep and dreaming but I could also hear the video in my dream and was listening to it. And when I woke up I played the video again and could remember parts of it from my dream. 

but in the dream I was just in a classroom that was also watching the video.

I've unlocked sleep learning.

If you don't know why this is important then you have already never seen the episode of Dexter's Laboratory where he needs to learn French in one night so he puts on a 'Learn French' instructional tape and listens to it while he sleeps but the tape player malfunctions and so all night he only hears the phrase 'omelette du fromage'  and when he wakes up all he can say is 'omelette du fromage'. 

I can't emphasize enough how pivotal this episode was to my childhood. It affected me in ways that are still being felt to this day.

I have a phone again

morsh