when I walk out of the grocery store and the night air is warm

 when I walk out of the grocery store and the night air is warm I can feel the signals being sent through my body saying, "things are okay. it's gonna be okay. we are going to survive. we are going to THRIVE."

It's intoxicating. The rush of optimism in my veins. There's nothing like it. 

The other smell is the smell of my bed when I've been able to leave my bedroom window open all day. It's fresh. It's rejuvenating. 

It's like when the weather is below 70 degrees I am some varying degree of uncomfortable, and it has to be mitigated by layers and heated blankets but when it's warm--when it's warm I'm truly truly truly at ease. 

I am luxuriating right now! Do you understand?! Luxuriating! The air is incredible.

hello :-)

 

Eydie Gorme The Look of Love Part II

 In 2017 I wrote a post called Eydie Gorme the Look of Love because I was in a phase where every day I would try to write continuously for 10 minutes and I read over that post and I was really happy with what I had written. There were a lot of good phrases and observations. It's rare that I read over something I've written in the past and feel proud of it. That was a good one though. Right now I'm sitting in the leather armchair in my living room. I got the chair from my dad who got it from my uncle who wanted to get rid of it. My feet are resting on the chair from my old house on maywood lane. My roommate didn't want the chairs or table from our dining room so they ended up with me. I really only need two chairs in my living room so another chair is in the kitchen and the other chair is hidden in the attic space above my stairs. Very rarely I'll go up there and sit in it just because. I need to eat so I'll probably make popcorn. My throat is sore. I think it's allergies. I hope it's allergies. 

Today I ate granola and almond milk for breakfast and drank coffee while I did the sudoku. Then I drove out to camp to clean the pool more. I brought a protein bar, an apple, two clementines, a banana, and two bottles of water. I ended up not eating any of the fruit or the bar until I was done working but I drank all the water. The pool is clean clean now so that's good. It took longer than expected but it always does. It was nice out though. A good day to be outside. When I got home I ate all the fruit and then made two of the wegman's fake meat burgers with tomato slices and mozzarella. Then I coached. Then I briefly went home to change and came back and did some pull-ups, some RDLs, and some squats. I saw my friend for a bit and we lifted together which was nice. 

My downstairs neighbor is coughing. I think about the person I was in 2017 and the person I am now. I like to imagine I haven't changed all that much. I've had a lot of experiences since then and I think I'm more secure in who I am. I don't think my view of the world has changed all that much though. I was looking back through the comics I made in 2016 and I saw that I had written at some point that my goal was to be part of a specific place and time and it surprised me how long I've had that goal and that it hasn't really changed. I am Shmandy. I am Wingdings.

flowers flowers flowers flowers flowers!!!

 I drew this in 2016

I took these today!

belphegor's prime

 belphegor's prime is probably my favorite number.

it's a 1. and then 13 zeroes. and then 666. and then 13 zeroes. and a 1. 

1000000000000066600000000000001

so crazy! And it's a prime. That's named after the Demon of Inventiveness.

And my thought is like, "Nah that's not a real number. That's just made up."

It was discovered by this guy Harvey Dubner who died in 2019 and it was named Belphegor's Prime in 2012! 2012! That's like not even that long ago and we're still naming numbers.

This number and its name is a poem. I like to talk about poems and Belphegor's Prime is a poem.

it's my dad's birthday!!

happy birthday my dad!

I'm really glad that you're my dad!

today at practice we asked what fonts people would be and I said would be 'calibri' and other people thought I was wingdings and then the owner of the gym printed out my name but spelled in wingdings and took it around the gym and showed it to people

I'll own it though. Wingdings is one of a kind.

Except for Wingdings 2.

who wants to be my Wingdings 2?

it's you. it's you. it's wingdings 2. everything I do.

Today I had oatmeal and coffee for breakfast. Ate that while I did the sudoku. Then before I went to the gym to climb I made a lot of smoothie which was an entire can of pineapple chunks, a scoop of whey protein powder, some spoonfuls of whole fat vanilla Greek yogurt, a banana, and some mixed frozen berries. Then I took a scoop of creatine and went to the gym where I got on the moonboard for a little over an hour. I worked on some V5's and sent a climb I worked on last session. Figuring out movement is really fun. I drank the smoothie throughout the afternoon and after climbing I went out to camp where I checked on some things and started working on cleaning out the pool. Then I showered and drank more smoothie and ate leftovers from last night's dinner which was rice and punjabi chole and then I went to coaching. Coaching was really fun and then I came home and made a big burrito for dinner which was black beans, shredded cheese, and a frozen mix from wegman's that I like. And that's what I did and what I ate!

I feel like I haven't done much art in a bit so I'm going to work on a piece that I started a while ago and watch some Youtube and go to bed.

I hope that whoever you are and wherever you are and whenever you are that you're doing well and remembering that if there's a pond and every fish and frog in the pond is a feeling that you are the entire pond and not any one individual feeling frog.

 

Allen Ginsberg tell me something

—We’re not our skin of grime, we’re not dread bleak dusty imageless locomotives, we’re golden sunflowers inside, blessed by our own seed & hairy naked accomplishment-bodies growing into mad black formal sunflowers in the sunset, spied on by our own eyes under the shadow of the mad locomotive riverbank sunset Frisco hilly tincan evening sitdown vision.

This is from the poem Sunflower Sutra where Allen Ginsberg and Jack Kerouac sit down by a train and get really sad because everything is gross and filthy but then they see this dead sunflower all covered in 

"The grime was no man’s grime but death and human locomotives, all that dress of dust, that veil of darkened railroad skin, that smog of cheek, that eyelid of black mis’ry, that sooty hand or phallus or protuberance of artificial worse-than-dirt—industrial—modern—all that civilization spotting your crazy golden crown—"

One time I got up at an open mic when I was in high school and read this poem and I didn't really know what it was about then but I've always liked the way that Allen Ginsberg put words together and I like sunflowers too. 

Anyway I think the point of the poem is that all this stuff that's covering everything doesn't change what it really is. There's still inspiration to be found. 

I love the colors of early spring

if you know anything about me

know that I love the colors of early spring

and if you know anything else about me

know that I love that you know something about me

and if you know anything else else about me

that's too much

I didn't need you knowing all that

a third thing?

for three is the smallest number to be a set

and now you have contained me entirely

like a bird in a cage

a knowledge cage

you scoundrel you

walt whitman said!

 If you bring the warmth of the sun to them they will open and  

 bring form, color, perfume, to you,If you become the aliment and the wet they will become flowers, 
 fruits, tall branches and trees.

so proud of my mom for running the 10 miler this morning!

 she crushed it for the third year in a row and ran a new best time by 1 second!!

the vernal equinox!

Wow. We did it everybody. We made it. More daytime than nighttime now. Can you believe it? Out of the shadows once more. Into the light.

This is unrelated but one thing I know about myself now is that I get overstimulated by a lot of noise. Probably more than most people. It seems that way anyway. But I don't really understand how people can be in a crowded space and multiple conversations are happening at once, and some people are speaking at a yelling volume and how are you not overstimulated by that? I don't know. I've never really liked crowds.

Sometimes I think I have stray cat energy. Like there was a cat named Spike that used to hang out at the track near my apartment. That's not too different from me.

Anyway today I saw a toddler put on an adult-sized hat and it was very cute.

I met all my lifting goals this month!

Back squat- 205lbs

Bench- 200lbs

Weighted Pull-Ups- +75lbs for 5 reps

Hangboard- +75lbs for 10 seconds on 20mm edge

Hooray! Also last Sunday I ran a new personal best for 50 meters in 6.17! Getting slightly closer to a sub-12 second 100 (with a flying start and a healthy tailwind)

I ran really hard this evening and the lactic acid was hitting me in waves and my friend Meghan was trying to encourage me and I kept saying, "I don't feel good. I feel really bad. I think I'm having an out-of-body experience." And then I thought about it and said, "No, I'm having an incredibly in-body experience. I'm in my body way too much right now. My body is a prison. Of my own construction."

And I think in that process I exorcised something because now I feel great!

sat in the sun and ate fruit and nuts

now that's living.

and moved my body before that!

double living!

and then thought about camp and how to make it amazing.

triple living!

I'm not saying I've got life all figured out but, uh, 

let's just say

I know a thing or two

{WINK}

there was a warm wind today

 you know what a warm wind can do to a person? do you understand the effect that warm winds can have on a human being?

make em feel good that's what.

now think about this!

there's no plants growing at the beach. seaweed doesn't count. don't even try to say seaweed. that's in the water that's different. there's no plants growing at the beach. 

but there is crabs at the beach.

and both plants and crabs are where there's water--but you never see them both at the same time. 

you see what I'm getting at here?

And neither are in the desert. Except cacti. Which are like the crabs of plants.

There's some sort of elemental interaction going on here between Crabs, Plants, Sand, and Water. The 4 elements. 

The ancient Greeks would've been all over this theory. I like to imagine I would've fit in with the Ancient Greeks. The new test is 'Would someone have thrived in Ancient Greece?' That's the metric on which I assess people now. 

Do you like olive oil? Do you like wine? Do you look good in a tunic? Have you pondered the true nature of man, beasts, and society? 

Warm wind got me yearning for Pythagoras over here

ranking what other places call the shotgun seat

 American English: 'riding shotgun' Excellent. How American. A beautiful phrase.

UK English: 'bags me the front seat!' Laughable. A complete joke. Give up. You are nothing and never will not be nothing.

French: 'la place du mort' The place of death. Incredible. How French. Congrats francophones.

I reached my bench goal today!

200lbs felt good! For someone who lifts as their main sport it's not too shiny but for a climber runner guy like me I'm pretty happy with it! 

Checked that box and now I'll focus on climbing Tuesdays and Fridays. 

I really enjoy lifting and I think I'll keep doing it to some extent for a long time. Especially squats! Getting stronger is so fun.

Of the goals I set in September of last year I have now met my bench and finger strength goal and now I need to hit a one arm pull-up, a 250lb back squat, and run 100m in under 12 seconds. Those all seem really tough but I think I have a shot! We'll see.

you wanna know the etymology for steward?!

 Well too bad you're gonna get it! Strap on your learning pants!

You're probably sitting over there thinking it has something to do with STEW and ARD. Stew being a delicious hearty soup and ARD being a pejorative intensifier. Meaning something like, 'way too much nasty soup!'

No. You're wrong. Steward doesn't mean that.

It's more like STE- and -WARD. And the 'ste' comes from 'stig' which means house or hall. And the ward means ward which is related to the word 'guard'. So it's a 'house ward' somebody who runs the house, typically like a large estate where there are lots of servants and staff and such. 

I do not wish to be an adventurer or explorer or conqueror! The people who would use the world up. I wish only to be a steward. To look after what came before me and leave it for the people who will come after. 

 Vile Maxim is also the name of a 2 star V4 boulder problem in Colorado.

 I love a fragment. I love a part that suggests a whole. You know that's called? That's called SYNECDOCHE! Which is a combination of the Greek words for 'together' and 'take up' which I don't fully understand how that works but a part that suggests a whole is awesome. That's what your imagination is for. You brain can take a little bit of something and figure out what the rest of it is? Incredible. 

There's a little Kei Truck that drives around where I live and on the door it says POEM in all caps and this is a vehicle I approve of. 

"All for ourselves, and nothing for other people, seems, in every age of the world, to have been the vile maxim of the masters of mankind." -Adam Smith

there's nothing more attractive than liking out of pocket reels

No one wants more cars. The appearance of wanting cars is propaganda. Everyone wants to be around more critters.

Muddle is my new favorite word.

If 'fried bones' were a thing and tasty I would eat them. I still wouldn't eat meat but I would consume skeletons.

I coach some kids and I look at them and I can see that they are fully aware of their surroundings. They are present. They are taking in information and processing it. Just as good as me, if not better. And then other kids are inside of what I call, 'The Noise'. And they hear maybe every other word. You can tell that all forms of communication are being filtered through The Noise first. And then other kids are in The Noise but it's funny and they somehow have enough charm to get past being in The Noise.

 every day I do my sudoku. put the numbers in their appropriate little prison cells. the digits yearn for detainment and captivity.

I love a little gag. I love a little goof. Some prop comedy

 The weather has improved my mood tremendously. And I don't mean that I was in a bad mood before. I was fine. But now I'm in the type of mood where when I'm making a smoothie to drink before coaching I'll pour the smoothie into an orange juice bottle that I finished today and I'll take some white duct tape and cover the label with it and write 'THAT JUICE' on it and then strut around the gym waving around that juice. And they key to the bit is you leave the part of the orange juice label that said 'some pulp', you leave that uncovered so when people ask you what's in THAT JUICE you point at the label and say, 'some pulp'.

Here's what I'll say about 2025. And I don't want to get ahead of myself or call anything but I can safely say that so far that at least in my neck of the woods the year has stuck to the script of how seasons are supposed to be. 

January- cold. had snow. felt like winter.

February. more cold. more snow. felt like winter but with the teeniest bits of hints of spring at the end.

March- spring time. daylight savings kicked in and it got sunny and warm.

It's like we're following the illustrations on a calendar made for a small child. These kinds of things give me a deep satisfaction that I feel is worth writing down.

youarelovedyouarelovedyouareloved

I'm so happy the sun is still up

 I'm so happy the sun is still up.

I look tired because I drank a kombucha for dinner and that kept me up and I just got off work but I'm still so happy the sun is still up. 

You can't complain about the darkness and then not celebrate the sunshine. You gotta be happy when the good thing happens.

The only other important thought in my head is that my sister shared a video of Nicki Minaj's Super Bass but most of the words are replaced with 'boom' and at one point she says,

'Yes I boom. Yes I boom. Somebody please boom who the eff I boom. I am Booki Boomaj, I boom them dudes up, boom coupes up and boom the deuce up.'

I met my hangboard goal today!

I put 50% of my bodyweight on my bodyweight and hung on a little edge for 10 seconds! hooray!

and then I climbed up this ladder of 10 16mm edges with no feet! hooray!

I thought if I reached those goals someday that I would know that I had strong enough fingers to do hard climbs so now I gotta do some hard climbs!

I'm proud of myself for sticking to a goal that I set nearly 2 years ago and I feel like I learned a lot about training and myself in the process.

You gotta be kind to yourself. That's something I'm still learning and practicing. You gotta be kind to yourself.

gonna make a smoothie and do my taxes

 wish me luck!

update: I HAD TO PAY THE IRS SO MUCH MONEY :(((((((((((

update update: I'm not against the idea of taxes. I would gladly pay more in taxes if I felt like they went towards the common good.

everybody rides the carousel

 One time I said I was going to start remembering my dreams and then I failed to do that because it's really hard but here's something that's not hard: scrolling.

My sister and her husband watch a lot of reels on Instagram and they like a lot of them and I see them and I like to imagine that reels are like a collective unconscious, kind of like a dream state but definitely with more problematic implications, and when they both like a short video of a little plastic figurine sitting in a pot of boiling orange liquid and the camera pans up to a night sky when the sun has just sunk below the horizon and a voiceover says, "Kurapika is now drowning in an indescribable emptiness"--is that not like sharing a dream? Like a little nugget of sight and sound with meaning that words alone could never do justice?

I don't know. I'm here for it anyway. I'm all in!

I've started unofficially coaching my friends at the gym?

It's mostly that we are friends and working out together but then they say, "thanks for coaching me" and that is fun. 

right now my apartment neighbor is blasting house music while he showers and it sounds like he's into it. nice.

No but coaching lifting is fun. Coaching is great because you are present with someone while they work to make a better version of themselves and what's better than that?

look how cute!

 look it!

dramatic plant

she rises. this was a lil spider plant that had been sitting on the vine for too long so I put it in some dirt and it's coming to life. hooray

this crow outside my window is drinking out of a roof puddle while it's fully raining. right on brother

a thing I've been doing is after saying nothing for a long time I'll just say ALRIGHT but in my best attempt at a thick Scottish accent so it's something like, H'OLRHYTE! and that's been a great time

William Blake wrote

Ah! Sun-flower! weary of time, 

Who countest the steps of the Sun:

seeking after that sweet gold clime

Where the travellers journey is done.

Sunflowers, like many plants in the asteraceae family, exhibit heliotropism- which is where they follow the sun's path across the sky. And so you imagine these poet types like William Blake sitting around, waiting, doing nish off in a field somewhere and they watch this flower follow the sun and think, "Aw man sucks to suck, brother." Cuz the sun is always going to go below the horizon. The sunflower will never reach the sun. But, I don't know, is that a bad thing? Like if the sunflower reached the sun it would be vaporized into hydrogen and such. The sunflower gets the light from the sun that it needs by following it so I don't know why it has to be weary. It's a good deal! And some people would argue that this is too simplistic a reading and that Blake is obviously being sarcastic or whatever. I think William Blake is a cool guy for thinking about sunflowers and the sun and maybe we should all think about flowers more or the suns that we might be following OR you could think about moths and how they use the moonlight for navigation and how cool that is. Are you a sunflower-sun kind of person or a moonlight-moth kind of person and what does that even mean? William Blake would probably know. As best I can tell the most famous thing William Blake ever wrote about moths was, and I'm paraphrasing here, "don't ever kill  a moth for the day of retribution is near." Very cool, Mr. Blake. Very cool.

made a new chalkboard drawing at the gym

 I don't have a picture of it so you're just going to have to trust me on that.

I like making stuff when I'm under no obligation to do it because then it means that I did it because I wanted to and for no other reason and that's the best feeling. I also like showing off. And attention. I'm pretty shameless about showing off. Do I think it's a bad trait? No because I do cool stuff that I know people want to see anyway. Duh

This blog is like 20 years old now. I think I probably started it around 2005 or so. And it's never had more than a handful of readers. I think that's fun. It's like an easter egg. Like ' oh yeah if you know where to look that guy has made little scribbles and writings for like most of his life and he posts them on a dinky little website that no one has thought about since Obama was president." Is any of it good? Maybe a little. 

But knowing the kind of person I am if I found a blog like this by someone I knew I'd probably read the whole thing. Or a lot of it anyway. I'd probably skim some stuff.

people out here manifesting the future they want for themselves

 love that

and now it's time for my little sunday evening wegman's grocery run. I love my little sunday evening wegman's grocery run. 

happy march

 you know what they say about March,

"You gotta march through one more month before you get to the first actual good month of the year, April. The month of Andy's birthday."

people say that all the time