Apologue of the Guy and Horse

A guy goes out for a ride on his horse one day, this was back before cars had been invented and people rode horses. If you'd asked someone "hey, you wanna drive me to Pizza Hut in this car?" they would have given you a weird look and said, "What's a car? Everyone knows you can only get to Pizza Hut by horse."

So, this guy is riding on his horse and he feels adventurous all of a sudden and he says to the horse, "Horse, " he says, "take me over the tallest mountain and then down into the deepest valley and then across the widest river and find the deepest darkest cave and throw me down into it like a sack of sweet potaters."

"Whatever dude, as long as I get my feed bag," said the horse.

And so the horse traveled day and night and day and night and night and day across countless fields until it arrived at the base of the tallest mountain. Mt. DoomBladdow! And it climbed the mountain up to where the air was very thin and the winds blew harshly and the snow came up to the horses knees.

"I better get my feed bag," said the horse.

And the horse reached the top of Mt. Doombladdow! and then skipped, slid, tumbled, and rolled all the way down the mountain into the deepest valley where there were many skunks, beetles, and purple neckties. 

"There better be lots of oats in that feed bag," said the horse, tearing off an evil necktie that was trying to strangle him.

The horse then waded across the widest river, The Cradanchium River, where the fish are so big, they have whole rivers of their own inside them, complete with teeny tiny fish. The current was strong but the horse kept going. The water came up to the horse's neck and he swallowed more than a few waterbugs.

"Man, I must be crazy to do all this for a feed bag," said the horse.

But finally they arrived at the deepest darkest cave in all the land and before the guy could ask to go anywhere else, the horse shook the guy of its back and gave him a swift kick in the pants to send him down into the cave.

The guy fell for what felt like hours in total darkness. The light from the mouth of the cave quickly got smaller and smaller until the guy could look up and only see a little shiny speck like a single star in the night sky.

Without warning, he landed hard in a deep dark body of water. He frantically swam back to the surface and made it just before he ran out of breath.

It was very very dark. But, off in the distance he saw a dim ghostly blue light that illuminated a small sandy shore.

He slowly swam towards the shore, half-expecting goblins or zombies or tiny angry crabs to drag him down underwater.

It was a very far swim and when he finally felt his feet on the sandy shore, he collapsed. The ghostly light was given off by a strange ancient door a few feet in front of him that looked like it was built into the side of the cave wall. He dragged himself on his hands and knees over to the door. He reached up and grabbed the shimmering silver handle, it was cold and made his spine tingle. He turned the handle and the door opened.

Now, this is a very old story and it's been told different ways over the years. All of the versions agree up until this part of the story but once the guy opens the door, the endings start to get a little hazy. Here are the three different endings to the story.

In the first ending, the guy opened the door and was blinded by a wave of sunshine and rainbows! He stepped into the warmth and found himself in a huge field of green grass with a blue sky above it and puffy white clouds. Little squirrels and chipmunks ran up to him and said, "Hiiiii! Thereeee!"  Then he was swept up by a beautiful woman riding a motorcycle at top speed across the field.

"Where are we going?!" cried the guy.

But the woman didn't respond. She headed straight for the top of a steep hill. They launched off the top of the hill and landed on an enormous trampoline.

"This is the best way to almost die ever!" screamed the guy.

And also jumping on the trampoline was a magic bear, a flying meatball sandwich, ten thousand bars of dancing chocolate, and a DJ who played so many jams that even your grandma wouldn't have been able to stop herself from busting a move.

They partied all day and all night and when the man woke up, he was in his normal bed, in his normal house, and went back to his normal life. He never returned to the cave or saw a single magic bear for the rest of his life. But in the back of his mind he always had the memory of that one great time.

In the second ending, the guy opened the door and stepped in to an elegantly decorated room full of serious-looking men in silly costumes. The guy looked down and realized that he too was in a silly-costume. He felt the top of his head and his hand touched his golden crown.

"Am I a king here?" asked the man to the serious looking men who he guessed were his advisers.

"No time for jokes, Mr. King, sir" said one of the advisers. "There's much work to be done in the kingdom."

And so the guy worked hard as the king. He worked very hard every day and slept hard every night. He had to defend the kingdom from dragons and other naughty kings. He had to make sure all the peasants were adequately filthy the way peasants should be. He had to make sure his no-good-dirty son was a decent prince and not a little brat. He had to have a full beard all the time even though it was very hot and itchy in the summer. He hardly ever had time to rest or relax but everyone in the kingdom agreed that he was the best king they'd ever had. They loved him, even the criminals and filthy peasants loved him and the king did everything he could to not let them down. The guy lived to be very old as the king and after he died there was never a better a king than he was. He was famous and beloved for hundreds and hundreds of years.

In the third and final ending, the guy opened the door and it was just a closet. Just a dark dusty closet. But in that closet, was a big feedbag overflowing with oats. The man sighed, took the feedbag, slung it over his shoulder, climbed up and out of the cave with a ladder he found, gave the feedbag to his horse who said, "Thanks" and the man and the horse went home.

So, if you were the guy, and you could choose the ending to this story, which would you choose and why?
What would make you the happiest as the guy? Would you choose the happiest ending?