Pilot On Raw Dog

Here's a sad picture of me with short hair. It makes me laugh now.

Bahahaha! Look at him! Look at him and his stupid short-haired face! Bahahaha! He's so sad and tired. Holed up on the third floor of Swem, taking pictures of his short-hair because it's really late and he's slogging through a paper. tee-hee. Then he's gonna have to walk back to his tiny sophomore apartment and count the months before his hair can be considered long again. What a doof.

Why's he got his shirt unbuttoned? Who's he think he is? Some short-haired guy? Some kinda guy with short-hair? No way. No way. Not a short-haired guy.

He probably thinks the world is made of dandelions and the mailman's gonna bring him a package full of kisses.

He probably thinks he's pretty good at checkers too. Probably thinks he's some kind of checkers whizz-kid. Some kind of checkers wunderkind. Some kind of chunderkind.

Yeah, he's a chunderkind alright. but not in the good way. in the bad way. Short-haired having, gila-monster licking, chunderkind.

You send five guys like that out to chop down a christmas tree and they're gonna come back with a handful of pine cones and an investment in a foreign electric car company. They've got no business savvy. Bunch of baby-faced short-haired dandies like that aren't gonna cut it when it comes to hard labor.

You ask that short-haired version of me to sprint ten yards down field and then cut hard to the right, he's gonna tear his ACL and completely ruin the third down conversion. You just can't count on him to make the big plays when it matters most.

I wouldn't trust that guy to dangle my baby over a pit of hungry alligators, would you? No way I'm letting him tease those reptiles with my baby. That's ridiculous. He's got no hair.

Oh, oh, this just in, I got a coded message from WW2 written in Navajo. Or whatever that native american language was. Am I gonna ask this guy to code it? No. Because he's probably busy catching the bus over to Target so he can buy another long sleeved shirt.

What's he doing buying long-sleeved shirts? He's just gonna roll up the sleeves. He probably doesn't even have enough sense to keep baking soda in the back of his refrigerator. Dawn dish soap plus lemon scented freshness. Three times ten to the eighth Nelson Mandelas. What a rube.

Helicopters can't fly upside down. He doesn't understand!

Top Hats and Snake Wrestling

It's always weird being by yourself for extended periods of time after being in college where you constantly see people. It's kind of like being outside at night when it's so dark that even when your eyes have adjusted you still see things that aren't there. Ghostly figures sprout up and you jump out of the way but it was just a stick. Not a dog with biceps for teeth.

The strangest thing though is that without people, you start forgetting what you look like. You start forgetting what you sound like and how people perceive you.

And, just like when you're in the dark, you can't adjust to not having any outside reference points. You need strangers around you to remember what people are like and you need your friends to remember what you are like.

Otherwise things start getting weird...

You might revert back to some younger time. Start doing stuff that you haven't thought about in years. You have to start comparing yourself to older versions of yourself. Or start making up new versions of yourself.

Maybe even bearded versions of yourself. Which is never a good sign.

And then you really can't tell anymore. It all gets hazy and you start caring way to much about cereal and how it's a good thing that no one ever made you play soccer as a young child.

But then you see people again and you need time to acclimate. 

You might see someone and they'll be like, "hey, what's up?"

But in your mind it's, "Prove your worth, here and now before the kingdom! Claim your foothold in the realm or perish!"

But finally you have something to push against. That human interaction is like a torrential downpour after a drought and your hungry pores soak it all in.

It's like an Adele song!

It's scary too though. You can mess up again. You can find things you don't like. Say things you don't mean. So, to me, it's kind of like wrestling a giant snake. You might be swallowed alive but you're gonna learn something about yourself in the process. And in a couple months you'll be all poo'd out and ready to start over again.

 That willingness, that eagerness for stupid, annoying human interaction is one positive of going away from your friends and people for awhile. You've had time to forget how disheartening people can appear and now the world is full of stars and giant snakes to wrestle.

Put them in your favorite basket and keep looking forward to the weekends. Little rays of sunshine keep creeping through the crap-clouds.

FANGORIOUSLY

Words and Pictures, you guys! It's gonna open up this blog to way more imagination per square inch!

Instead of telling you about a time I was standing in amorphous white space surrounded by darkness, I can show you! Look, there I am! But pictures can do even more than that!

This premise of me talking to a hot mug of coffee is enhanced by the picture of me talking to a steaming mug of coffee in amorphous white space surrounded by darkness.

By adding pictures, we can break down barriers and get a good look at what's going on in the deepest pits of the writer's--

Oh..oh...

um...his...uh...

pictures...do...um...

imagi-....um...

Maybe pictures allow us to see...

a little too much of the....

MY NAME IS BETH!

Those two go together like hot glue guns and stomach pumps.
I'm lonely.

Fresh on the Breath

The Twelve Most Powerful Words in the English Language: "Where did the cat go? It exploded. I mean, I love you." 

I smile whenever the moon is out in the daytime. I also smile when I'm in my apartment and I can walk from my toilet to my bedroom without having to pull my pants up again.

One of the best parts about running is that it humbles you. I think that's how runners become friends. I think another humbling job is moving and cleaning porta-potties. Today when I was running I found a porta-pottie with no blue water in it and no toilet paper. Miles away from my home, I sat there and stewed in my prism of humility.

One of the admittance essays for UVA is "What's your favorite word and why?" And someone told me about a guy who just wrote the word, "brevity" and got in. UVA is easily amused. I wrote a ten thousand word essay on the word "misguided". I didn't get in.

It's hilarious how hilarious butts are. Some people get upset about how silly it is that the President of the most powerful country in the world "pardons" a turkey every Thanksgiving. He still has a butt. We owe it to our butts to never be so serious.

In the magical jungle, I dueled with sabers against the pirate lord. The gentle giggling of the lemurs made my goosebumps swell up like grapefruits.

You can't tell me what to do. You're not my dad. I'm my dad.

I just realized that I don't think about lava nearly as much as I used to. And I think about coffee way more than I used to. Although, as fun as it was when I used to pretend the floor was made of lava. I have to admit that I would get way more excited now if I was in an airport or the DMV and someone yelled, "The floor is made of coffee!"

"Oh no! We can't play wiffle ball because they set up tents in the way!" Sometimes I hear things that make me realize that our lives are no more meaningful than a lizard in the desert, blending into the rocks and sand as a falcon descends with claws outstretched. It's a good thing the vending machines let me buy gummy fruit snacks with my student ID.

On Thanksgiving

So, we went to my aunt's house for Thanksgiving. Once we got there I went downstairs to a couch and was like 

What am I doing here again?

But then I remembered....

Thanksgiving = FoodHavings

Thanksgiving is like the celebration of a baby so juicy and tender that the only proper thing to do was stuff him full of bread crumbs and make sandwiches out of him for the rest of the week.

So I was all excited for eating food!

I'm smiling so my teeth can be closer to the food!

But then I saw the food.

Creamed corn casserole and brussel sprouts garnished in bacon . 

But that's not the Thanksgiving Spirit. You gotta be thankful! Not critical! Being a jerk is what makes every OTHER day of the year magical. Thanksgiving is about appreciating goodness.

AND THEY STILL HAVE TURKEY AND MASHED POTATOES!

 And my grandma was all like, "Oh! How much mash potatoes are you going  to eat?"

THIS MUCH, GRANDMA! IT NEEDS 3 DIMENSIONS!

 And there wasn't that much other food that I wanted to eat. So I improvised and put a twist on the  classic phrase, "Quality over Quantity".

How many plates of mashed potatoes did I eat?

It wasn't even a discrete number anymore. Just a flowing state of uncomfortable fullness.

And after the meal is when the real fun starts. That's when you start making your food faces. You just sit on the couch with your sister, hold your belly and periodically turn to her and use that voice you use when you're so full that you sound congested:

Dear Sister, this is the most wonderful time of the year.

I am thankful for the *burp* warmth the holidays bring as the days get shorter and we...

descend into dark times...from which...we may never retur-ugggghhhhhh .

 So many potatoes. So man potatoes. So-moh-puh-to-to.....ohhhhhh. Nap it up. And nap it out.










And then later...

Hey Erin, remember when I threw corn in your drink for the (who knows how many?) year in a row? This holiday is the best.

Happy Thanksgiving!

(These pictures were taken back in March of this year for a completely unrelated thing. I JUST  CAPTIONED THEM INTO RELEVANCE!)

On New Shoes and Other Products

So I bought these racing flats from Brooks called the "Green Silence".

But wait! You're saying, "Andy, these shoes aren't Green at all!"

Calm yourself, internet denizen.

If you'll look more closely, you'll notice that these shoes are BLUE and YELLOW! The parents of the color Green. When you're wearing these shoes and you reach a speed of about 10 to 11 mph, a person standing about 6 to 7 meters away will perceive the shoes as Green!

That was all a complete lie. You've just been taught a lesson in...being lied to.

The shoes are actually called "Green" because they are eco-conscious running shoes. That means they are made of biodegradable materials that break down three times as fast as regular running shoes. Because, you know how your normal running shoes can hold up for years? These guys turn into potting soil after about two months. You better get all the miles out of them while you can. You're running on borrowed time!

I discovered that the "Silence" part is actually ironic because the inner lining is made of a material that promotes sweating of the feet. That sweating then causes the shoe to slip slightly and produce wet, squeaky fart sounds after the five mile mark. So you can always be aware that your body is the most wasteful engine of all!

So, overzealous eco-consciousness aside, these aren't bad shoes. They're light, they're comfortable, they feel fast and sturdy.

I wish the heel wasn't higher than the forefoot so it didn't feel like I was running with a chunk of foam strapped to my heel. It's like running on tiny ramps--causing my toes to mash into the front of the shoe while the heel is slipping and sliding around making little squeek poots.

But most shoes are like this and I avoid those shoes.

This is boring.


Let's talk about how when I got home my Mom took one look at my teeth and handed me one of those little metal scraper things they use at the Dentist and told me to go to magnifying mirror in her bathroom and scrape off the stains so that people wouldn't think I was deranged.

Make it clean, Andy. 

I don't really mind. I liked using the scrapey thing and the stains were bugging me but I want to make it clear that I take good care of my teeth! 

I blame that Aquafresh toothpaste. You ever think about the name Aquafresh? Aqua is water. and Fresh is a meaningless buzzword. They're selling you a bottle of curdled water that's gonna make your teeth stained.

You're just a box of dirty water and false hopes! 

That's why I switched back to Crest. Crest was invented in the Middle Ages. Its claim to fame was that if you used Crest and a knight punched some of your teeth out, they would be so shiny and beautiful that you could use them as the crest on your coat of arms.

Colgate is a Vietnamese word for the neck-sweat you get when you sit in front of a hot bowl of soup for too long. 

Home Again Again Again

I like writing on the internet because it's like trying to fill a bottomless abyss.

It's like when you find a really deep hole and let a glob of spit slide out of your mouth and plummet into the darkness. Then you wait for that little plink.

Well, I haven't heard the plink so I better keep spitting.

Here's to you, Cage McPooPoo.
Life is beautiful.